I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
