Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
