i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
