We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
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