I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
