i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
