God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Randomize
