I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
