The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize