Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
