i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
