apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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