My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
