I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
