I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
