Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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