walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize