Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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