i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
