He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
