If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
