He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
