i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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