im six kinds of drunk right now
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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