I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
