There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
