it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
