Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
