So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
