Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
