This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
