Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
