I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
