DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
