So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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