You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
