Whod you bang
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
