When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
