My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
