I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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