Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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