My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
