You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
