I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You were trust falling into bushes
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
