Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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