I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
