I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
