it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I want to be your penis for a week.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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