I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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