he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
