Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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