good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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