Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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