your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
