"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
