The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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