what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
