She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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