You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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