I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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