im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Randomize
