I think im going to throw up on grandma
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He shit in the fireplace
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
