I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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