I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
