the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
