i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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